Minnesota Assman

I do not pretend that I am perfect, or that I drive a super sweet ride.  I drive a 2003 Hyundai Elantra in pretty good condition.  I slide in under the radar.  No one notices me and my old car, and that’s the way I like it.  I do not have any desire to have people look twice at me on the road, or any other time really.  I think my alphanumeric plate will take care of just that.

I try to keep my car relatively clean and it is void of bumper stickers or license plate frames.  I do not demand attention in my vehicle.

Whether they know it or not, a personalized car demands attention.  Your bumper stickers, your stuffed animals perched in the back window, and your vanity plates make everyone else on the road aware that your car is an extension of you.  And that you are nuts.

Maybe not COMPETELY nuts, but you have a little extra narcissism and want to make sure that we notice you.  Some of you are completely nuts.  Like this guy I found my last visit home to Seattle.

Seattle by way of Minnesota.

This guy.

Oof.  Not much I can say about this guy other than he is super classy.  Let’s zoom in a little.

First we have a Seattle skyline that blocks ½ of his back window.  You know, just in case you needed to be reminded of where you were and what you were looking at while driving through town.  This makes me wonder, did he have this same skyline while living in Minnesota?  What crazy thing took the space of the Needle?  Because you know there had to be something.

Now don’t you worry, in an effort to remain as unsafe as possible, he went ahead and filled up the rest of the window with this totally family appropriate photo of a nice young woman’s asscheeks next to two giant rolls of toilet paper.  In case we didn't notice his love of asses by the photo, this BUTTMAN wants to make sure we are fully aware by sending us a pretty clear message of what butts are for, and what kind of supplies he has on hand in case we bring our butts over to visit him.

Then there is the Smurf.  Some of you may ask why Papa Smurf makes an appearance.  I think it’s pretty clear that the Minnesota Assman just needed something to fill the few inches of space he could previously see out of.  Frankly, I am surprised he hasn't filled that shoebox sized area over the toilet paper with something yet.  I’m sure it’s in the cards.

UPDATE: I have just learned that Smurfing is the act of hitting one in the face with one's penis.  I like to think that's what this stands for.

This Lincoln Towncar is insane.  At the very least someone should tell him that it is unsafe to be driving around like this.  Where are this guy’s friends and family?

Maybe they tried and he left them in Minnesota.

Please, sir.

Knock it off, your car makes you look stupid.