BOXILLA

This.  

THIS is one of the very few vanity plates I can get behind.  Here are the reasons this is an acceptable plate:

1)      It is the appropriate amount of letters.

2)      It’s a pun based on the vehicle itself.

3)      It is self-deprecating, it makes fun of the weird ugly boxy nature of these Scions.

4)    For personal reasons I like the "illa", once I accidentally nicknamed myself CheyeZilla and I still to this day have a friend (yes, ONE friend, the only one who ever latched on to that ridiculous notion) who calls me Zilla. Since my own personal non-legitimate nicknames cannot count as a reason, I went ahead and crossed off the 4.

Yes.  It still looks stupid.  But stupid in a fun way, kind of like how laughing at a fart is stupid, but you can’t help it because farts are undeniably hilarious.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, this is definitely not as funny as a fart.  It’s not even as clever as a fart, but unlike a fart, I don’t have to cover my nose and run away from it.  So at least there’s that.

All that said, some uptight weirdos really don't think farts are all that funny.  Wouldn't it be better if you didn't drive around farting in everyone's face?

Knock it off, your car makes you look stupid.

*** Thank you Rachel for sending me this photo, keep them coming everyone.  Go on over to my Facebook page ‘Your Car Makes You Look Stupid’, like it, and share!  If  you keep reading, I’ll keep posting.

HRMNONE

Well, of COURSE the crazy cat lady in the handicapped parking space would have a vanity plate.  Of course. 

This is the first photo sent to me by a reader. It's good to know when I leave California, there will still be plenty of stupid cars for me to look at, thank you Andrea.

The beauty of this plate is that no one knows what it actually says.  Andrea sent it to me explaining that she thought it said “hormone” or “harmony”; I took one glance and thought for sure it was supposed to say “Hermione”.

In fact, I got kind of excited to write about the kind of person who would put Hermione on their license plate.

However, after further, and still further investigation, I THINK this is supposed to say “Harm No One” or "Harm None".

Well, madam.  Your license plate is clearly effective!  You have people convinced you are an animal loving Harry Potter fanatic with a lovely voice and a hormonal imbalance.  It was not until a full minute of examination that I came up with your message.  Great job.

Vanity plates are seen at a glance on the highway.  In theory they are supposed to be understood by fellow drivers.  If two college-educated women come up with three other explanations for what it means and none of those is accurate, you have failed miserably. 

Miserably. 

Not only that, it makes me want to harm someone.  Not a lot, and not for life, but I sure would like to kick you right in the shins.  As a Harry Potter fan, writing about your hypothetical obsession would have been much more fun.

You have harmed me.  Your license plate is a liar.

Knock it off, your car makes you look stupid.

HALLLAH

Starting this blog has only heightened my obsession with taking photos of vanity plates.  It has elevated me to creeper status, where I have gone out of my way to follow people, circled the block to go back to parked car, and yelled at my boyfriend for not being fast enough getting to his camera while I was driving.  Even with all of that, there are some pretty terrific (read: terrible) plates I have missed.  I can only hope that they will circle back around and I will be rewarded with the same or better next time I’m out.  I am always on the lookout, sometimes though I just cannot safely snap a good photo.

This one however, was not a missed opportunity.  This plate is spectacular.

HALLLAH!

This plate alone is worthy of a write up, but it gets exponentially worse when you take a look at what the license plate frame says. 

AT CHA BOY

Oh.  My.

What I can say is this one is kind of funny.  I mean, if the ‘AT CHA’ was actually one word as it is supposed to be.  Well, as any non-word word can supposed to be anything.  Oh, pardon me.... 

spose ta be.  Either way, the grammatical error of this ungrammatical phrase makes my head spin.  That and this HALLLAH has far too many letters. 

Although it is funny, my first reaction to this plate is that the driver is clearly unemployable. 

How can you take a person seriously if they drive around like this?  I mean, it’s a relatively nice car, one I would never notice without this target on its back (and front, it is California after all).  What the hell?   I mean, this is one of those plates that you follow around until you can get a good photo of it.  Who wants people taking photos of their bad decisions?  I mean, how grateful am I that no one had a camera phone when I was in high school!?

Instead, an adult male made the conscious decision to drive around, every day, with this.  He went home, filled out an application to get this plate, tried various spelling options (obviously the “correctly” spelled HOLLA is already taken), and then had a CUSTOM LICENSE PLATE FRAME MADE!

Let that one sit with you for just a second.

I just.  I can’t.  What. Why.

I suppose at the very least this gentleman shows a certain level of commitment to a project.  The same level of committment stalkers have.  Stupid commitment. Commitment that does not translate well to most workplaces.  

I mean, I'd hire him to work for me obviously.  I'd just send him off with his camera phone and tell him to take photos of "awesome cars".  I'm sure he'd come back with loads of options for me to write about.

Knock it off, your car makes you look stupid.

FMMFTAL

Imagine, if you will, a femme fatale.  My guess is you have come up with something along the lines of a Pulp Fiction/Kill Bill Uma Thurman hybrid.  Or every version of Catwoman.  Or those mysterious black and white photos of smoking women from the 40s.  Probably a tall beautiful woman emerging from a luxury car with a business suit and heels so high I would cry out in pain the second my fat foot hit the ground, but little do you know her lips are full of poison and/or she has a loaded gun in her briefcase.

These are all acceptable versions of a femme fatale.  A femme fatale is sexy, and trouble.

A femme fatale drives a new Mercedes or Lexus, maybe even a Tesla. 

A femme fatale does not drive a Saturn.  Even if that Saturn is a V6.

I recognize that this car is driven by a real person, I know because I saw her at the gas station.  I do not want to say anything insulting about her appearance.  I will only say that I never imagined that a femme fatale would be in her 60s and wear Shape Ups.

Maybe it is an inside joke?  Maybe she really does feel like a beautiful bad girl, and if that is the case, I actually applaud her.  Get on with your bad self, Nana.  However, most people do not delve deep into the imaginatory realms of what could be, or is, or is not.  Most people look at the sad woman driving a sad car with FMMFTAL on the plate and laugh at her.  That hurts my feelings.

Stop hurting my feelings.

Knock it off, your car makes you look stupid.

Minnesota Assman

I do not pretend that I am perfect, or that I drive a super sweet ride.  I drive a 2003 Hyundai Elantra in pretty good condition.  I slide in under the radar.  No one notices me and my old car, and that’s the way I like it.  I do not have any desire to have people look twice at me on the road, or any other time really.  I think my alphanumeric plate will take care of just that.

I try to keep my car relatively clean and it is void of bumper stickers or license plate frames.  I do not demand attention in my vehicle.

Whether they know it or not, a personalized car demands attention.  Your bumper stickers, your stuffed animals perched in the back window, and your vanity plates make everyone else on the road aware that your car is an extension of you.  And that you are nuts.

Maybe not COMPETELY nuts, but you have a little extra narcissism and want to make sure that we notice you.  Some of you are completely nuts.  Like this guy I found my last visit home to Seattle.

Seattle by way of Minnesota.

This guy.

Oof.  Not much I can say about this guy other than he is super classy.  Let’s zoom in a little.

First we have a Seattle skyline that blocks ½ of his back window.  You know, just in case you needed to be reminded of where you were and what you were looking at while driving through town.  This makes me wonder, did he have this same skyline while living in Minnesota?  What crazy thing took the space of the Needle?  Because you know there had to be something.

Now don’t you worry, in an effort to remain as unsafe as possible, he went ahead and filled up the rest of the window with this totally family appropriate photo of a nice young woman’s asscheeks next to two giant rolls of toilet paper.  In case we didn't notice his love of asses by the photo, this BUTTMAN wants to make sure we are fully aware by sending us a pretty clear message of what butts are for, and what kind of supplies he has on hand in case we bring our butts over to visit him.

Then there is the Smurf.  Some of you may ask why Papa Smurf makes an appearance.  I think it’s pretty clear that the Minnesota Assman just needed something to fill the few inches of space he could previously see out of.  Frankly, I am surprised he hasn't filled that shoebox sized area over the toilet paper with something yet.  I’m sure it’s in the cards.

UPDATE: I have just learned that Smurfing is the act of hitting one in the face with one's penis.  I like to think that's what this stands for.

This Lincoln Towncar is insane.  At the very least someone should tell him that it is unsafe to be driving around like this.  Where are this guy’s friends and family?

Maybe they tried and he left them in Minnesota.

Please, sir.

Knock it off, your car makes you look stupid.

1[heart]BNJVI

As with all of my posts, I will preface this with the disclaimer that I am sure she is a really nice person, but....

This lady loves Bon Jovi.

I mean, she REALLY loves Bon Jovi.

The back window alone has FOUR stickers, all praising the Farrah-haired songbird.  And then... the plate.

This is many of yous' first introduction to the license plate heart.  I mentioned it in my first post, but it is real.  And it is absurd.

This, as with many vanity plates I have seen, garners some confusion.  Does this say 'One love Bon Jovi', or (as I assume) 'I heart Bon Jovi'?  If it is the second, does that mean that someone else in the great state of California beat her to the I, so she had to make do with the 1?  Also... why?  WHY?  Are the stickers not enough, does her love of Bon Jovi trump her taste levels?  Oh.  Wait.  Her overwhelming love of Bon Jovi clearly indicates a complete lack of taste.  Nevermind.

Note: Bon Jovi is ok.  He is OK.  I liked him on Ally McBeal, some of his music is not terrible, and he's not the ugliest man on the planet, but he certainly does not warrant this type of affection.

I keep referring to the driver as a woman.  I don't know this for sure.  I mean, I can only assume it is a lady, because no self-respecting man would do this to a perfectly fine mid-sized SUV.  Somewhere a husband is horrified to be a passenger in this vehicle and his balls shrink just a little bit whenever his car is in the shop.  I can just hear the taunts now from his buddies on the construction site.  She gives him a bad name.

Knock it off, your car makes you look stupid.

California -- An Introduction

There is a certain kind of crazed narcissism that comes along with a personalized license plate.  One that does not acknowledge the sheer ridiculousness of having some word or saying emblazened on a vehicle.  They somehow can manage to make a beautiful car look ridiculous (as you will see from some of the luxury automobiles with vanity plates I have found), and often times appear insane.

I will grant a couple exceptions, if your last name happens to be 7 letters, that's ok.  If your first name happens to have 7 letters and you are a teenager, that's ok.  If you drive a classic car, that's ok.  If you have a business vehicle and it is somehow business related, fine by me.  And if your license plate falls into the very small category of truly clever, I'm ok with you as well.  The only example I have of that off hand is one a friend told me about, a Honda Odyssey with an "ILIAD" plate, which even I can't argue with.

California has taken vanity plates to a whole new level.  I can only assume they are super cheap here, because there are 1000x more here than in my home state of Washington.  Not only that, but they incorporate symbols.  Seriously.  I have seen hearts, and stars, and handprints.  HANDPRINTS!  Ooof.

California already is home to what I can only assume are the world's most idiotic drivers.  People here have no concept of blinkers, leaving space, speed limits (I am totally on board with this one), or looking while changing lanes.  I seriously have a 78% chance of dying every time I get on the freeway.  How there are not MORE accidents is beyond me.

For this introductory post, there is no photo.  Instead, I will leave you with a few of the ridiculous license plates that I have had the honor of observing, but have been unable to photograph:

      - a Jeep like vehicle, probably a Jeep, green, with a bike rack and OUTDRZZ on the plate
      - a Toyota Camry, silver, with U [heart symbol] 2BME
      - a Mercedes (A MERCEDES!), silver, with IST [handprint] BUL

Please.  People.  Just stop.  You look insane.  You are ruining your vehicles.  You look crazy and draw more attention to yourself.  I suppose the only positive thing I can say about them, is that if one of you ever does a hit and run, I will have no problem telling the cop that the culprit is the asshole driving the Lexus with SUE[heart]ME (actual plate sighting) California state license plate.

Knock it off, your car makes you look stupid.